To boundarize or not to boundarize...this is the question....

I have been having an interesting little think lately about boundaries and forgiveness and protecting oneself from people or persons whose history has show nothing but a desire to lie and be completely self serving, at others' expense...again. It's a lesson I am still learning and have had to learn in the past year...as some of you will know.

Seems that I have the odd time when I think about it all and it usually stems from some contact or something from the piece of person who stomped me hard last year. I have many nicknames for her...liar, cheat, voldermort, 'she' who must not be named, whore that's lost the score...and a variety of others that are probably a little too x rated to share here...but some of you know them. For a year I have been battling with wanting to block her from every part of my world, to wipe her energy clean off me and my world...given that I have a pretty open blog and not wanting to let one person stop that or control it even when it's been a constant visiting point for said person...sometimes obsessively. I have tried to ignore it and tried to blow it off and send pity her way instead of hate but just recently, I just got plain pissed off about and it and taught myself how to block ip addresses. As I did when I taught myself how to bounce and block emails, I found myself going through this struggle of not wanting to give someone who doesn't deserve any moment of my time, any energy at all...and the annoyed feeling I have when I know I am giving it anything, even anger...or even writing about it here. Doah. I want to scream (and have found myself doing just that) at the screen 'WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?'.

I am also learning to be kinder to myself. To know that it's okay to take measures to protect yourself from someone whose goal is to harm or to suck life or to justify bad behavior. To put boundaries up and to have them been made of brick. To recognise the scar by the burn it gives when something bad comes near it...just like Harry's scar did (lol).

Don't get me wrong, I honestly barely think about it or her these days, except when I see that she has been trolling or mentioning my name and I am crazy grateful, thankfilled, elated, joyous and celebratory that my world and life is here and not where it could have been...or was, for that matter. But I am also all about 'shining a light' as you will know, and just acknowledging struggles, in the knowledge that we all move through these kinda things. We all ask questions of ourselves and of the world, and struggle to make sense of it (and ourselves) sometimes. Eventually, we just take a deep breath and release and look around at what is and we all have to live with the consequences of our behavior and our choices, both good and bad...we all have to find a way to come to terms with them, to forgive ourselves of them and to learn from them..and not make the same mistakes twice. Even her...one would hope. But...
(doah, okay, that was the naughty 'brat' part of myself that wrote 'but...').

Anyway, this is my process this fine Friday morning. I woke up dreaming about forgiveness and what it means a few days ago and see myself unlearning what I thought forgiveness use to be (the 'oh, that's okay, I forgive you now welcome back into my life to do it again' kinda forgiveness) and learning healthy, honest, of myself forgiveness. It's an interesting journey with many many layers....

damn onions....

xxM