The view

In Brookfield, I'll.

Me.....walking

Every Day is A Winding Road....

Who knew that Sheryl Crowe could teach me something, or at least, remind me of something today.

I keep having these massive realizations that at every moment, things can change. That we really are masters of our own destiny and that attitude and outlook can really make or break a day. That our brains hold great power when it comes to determining our day.

Like today, I really do just want to sit on the couch (again) and watch movies and not really have to think or interact with the world at all. Secretly hoping that will make it all go away and that I will wake up tomorrow and my world will once again have the peace that it once had. There is something to be said for unconscious living (okay, I don't REALLY mean that but..).

So, I picked up my guitar and sang a song and my own vulnerability almost made me cry. I hear this new thing in my voice, in my songs. I remember listenening to Damien Rice sing and I can feel everything from the sound of his voice..his anger, his pain, his dream, his soul... and I wondered to the universe at one point what I would have to do to get that same emotion in my voice. How to be so connected with it that you couldn't hide it, that it fell out of you.

Now enter into my mind the phrase 'be careful what you wish for'.

So now, enter my wonderfully powerful brain, that will move me from my slumber, get me dressed, put some cute clothes on and take my ass into chicago to hang out with friends and go to the opening of some flamboyantly beautiful photography exhibition and then 'out on the town' afterwards (as they put it).

And...I will choose to breath.

xxM

And....

Today we paint....! Helping my friend Patti paint the house.....I know, sexy home depot hat but you try getting paint out of this hair!!

Celebrating with mates at the local Irish pub tonight (oye K come!! You know where, 7pm!). Of course anyone else ion the area who knows where I am speaking of us welcome to come too!

Its time to celebrate.....celebrate the cd, celebrate life. Celebrate St Pats!

Xxm

Today

I run. I run for my body. I run for my mind. I run because it feels good. I run because all my bits jiggle when I do it and that feels good.

And when I run.....

This is the view:

I Walked.....

Today, I got my sore, tired and sad body off the couch and just decided that my life is bigger than the sum of these experiences lately. (Of course, this was started because a very sweet and loving friend kicked me in the ass first..in that sweet and loving way that only close friends can do. You know...validate, commiserate, and then KICK.)

And I walked.

I walked until I stopped crying, I walked until I could smile, I walked until I could see some beauty in the things around me, I walked until I found my resolve..the thing that has brought me from one country to another, the thing that has kept me going on a path that isn't always easy, the thing that has made me committed to staying open to the world and the experiences it brings despite having a heart that is confused and in pain because of someone elses actions and words. I walked until I found my strength. I walked until I could be proud of who I am and what I have done and my actions and words in return. I walked until the smell was off my body. I walked until my feet hurt and the pain in my body was taken away by my feet hurting.

And tomorrow....I will do it again.

And the next day....again.

Until the day comes when that pain is gone and I just know and believe these things, and don't have to walk anymore. (unless of course I actually want t0).

Here's the strange thing....everyone I passed on my walk, and I mean EVERYONE...looked up at me, straight in the eye and said hello. We are not as alone as we think we are people...we aren't. If only we can pull our gaze above long enough to look around.

xxm

I have....

I have but a broken heart
Send me your salve
So that I may stroke it on my wound
and whisper pretty thoughts into it's ear.

I have but a broken heart
Send me the story of your journey
So that someday...maybe
It will make mine lighter

I have but a broken heart
I should have seen it coming
But like a fool...ignored
The voice that screamed in my head

I have but a broken heart
So, send me your salve
So that I may sing
And in turn,
lighten the anguish
and the pain of yours

Chikizie

Okay, have barely watched american idol but this dude just sang the most beautiful version of 'she's a woman' and it took my breath away. I love it and it reminded me of the all out there nature of music.

Xxm

It's.....

SNOWING!!!

Assume....

I have had so many beautiful pearls of wisdom offered to me over the past few months. Like, life changing pearls....some of which have even come from here, from you. I am so grateful for the out pouring of wisdom, the sense of community that can be found in a 'yeah, I've been there and this is what I did moment'.

'Assume everyone is doing their best'

Is the latest pearl that has been offered to me. I feel like it has changed a whole pile for me (btw. I think we Australian's use the word 'pile' when we can't think of another word for a lot of things all together).

If I can assume that someone is doing their best in a given situation it seems to take a lot of the angst out of that situation for me. It takes out my over expectation and my anger or disappointment....it removes any 'heat' I might be feeling towards that someone in that moment. And in fact, I have found that it allows my head to be a little clearer so I can work out my response better.

It is indeed a miracle cure I believe.

Try it perhaps? See if it works for you....

Martine

Who is laying in her nice comfy bed, first night in Chicago and unable to sleep!! I think it might be because I sense it could be snowing outside (as if I would actually know) and it could mean that I get to make my first ever snow person tomorrow and perhaps I am too excited to sleep.

Leap and the net will appear.

My friend Kimberley just text that phrase to me, to remind me. I am sitting at Oakland airport about to board my plane. Hearing snow reports from friends that might not be able to make it to see me and feeling a mix of sadness and fear and vomitus maximus.

I stood and looked at the ticket counter for 10 minutes this morning, telling myself I didn't have to do this if I didn't way to, but you know, my adventurer got the better of me. What's that Aussie advertising slogan...'You'll never never know, if you never never go'.

So here I leap, and choosing to believe for the net.

Xxm

One More Sleep....

I am sitting here in Emeryville at my mate Julie's house. A bad movie is playing on the tv and I am waiting for my mate Kimberley to come over for dinner. I have been living out of a suitcase for the past 4 months and tomorrow I head to Chicago..where I finally get to unpack. I am kinda nervous...not so much excited yet, but hoping that will come. SF has been my home for the last 8 years and now it's time to try somewhere else.

You know when you on the verge of carrying out a major decision...and you have moments where you are questioning it and wondering about your choice and what truely led you there? Do you have those moments...? Or is it just me?

Well...I am reminding myself that there is no bad choice...that there is no mistake...that I can change my mind at any time. I see too though that have let some of my decision be clouded by desire....but is that a bad thing? I don't know...I just know I am looking forward to unpacking.

My business brain tells me it's a great decision, my heart is scared and unsure of what I have gotten into, my adventurers soul is up for the challenge, my 10 year old inside girlie is freaking out, my songwriter is putting it all on paper and my (non existant) zen buddhist person is breathing.

So..here we go mates. A new adventure. Stepping out into the unknown, with no clues about the outcome. Say a prayer, light a candle, send a thought, leave a light on for me....

Martine

For you....and me

If her quiet, quiet heart
Was a quiet, quiet place
There would be a quiet smile
Upon her quiet, quiet face.

And if her quiet, quiet heart
Knew that quiet, quiet peace
She'd be filled with quiet joy
As her worries quietly ceased.

?

So, the slightly demented part of me looks at this sign and wonders if this dude on this sign is actually vomitting? That's usually the only time I stand like that.....

Or do they really expect us to bend over and watch the gap? Sometimes I realise that the literal part of me wouldn't do well, if I let her out of the house that is....

So.....

i know...

I know people are worried. Thanks for the shout outs, the calls, the emails, the thoughts. I am really stoked to see how many people from around the world, people who I don't always get to see, reach out. Thank you. This is a huge transition time, both physically and emotionally, and sometimes I can be a baby about it all. Mostly, I am learning how to be honest, how to just 'put it out there' in the hope that it makes the distance between me, and you, a little smaller...and somehow we all find encouragement and strength to keep going and make our worlds a better place to be.

I am certain this is just a moment in time...and that this moment will pass. I am just not certain how it will look on the other end...but then, that's faith really isn't it?

All is well.

Thank you....

xxM

Seasons....

Just like life I suppose, change.

Leaves fall off, new ones grow, fall off, grow....you know the drill. I do like to think about trees, the firmly rooted in the ground, kind. The wisdom that each one holds, the way each are completely different. The way they seem to exist next to each other, sometimes supporting. Of course though, there are times when the roots go bad and you just gotta pull the fuckers out of the ground before they kill someone.

Ahh yes, much like life.

Lol

Xxm

More street art

I am loving the art I get to find on the sidewalk. Oneday I might put them all in a book together.

Although, I would have to title this one 'whatever her name is with whatever that is going up her nose'. I know, bad that I forget her name, my friend Mayra would spank me for it.

I will blame it on the massage I just had, made me a bear of very little brain.

Xxm

Power....

I think that I am going to push into reading and being a part of the online thing that Oprah is doing with Eckhart Tolle on his new book 'A New Earth'. I think I need to do it. I am waiting for the book to come but know it's all about changing your consciousness, about taking yourself out of ego and into a sense of connectedness with the world. I know, it sounds a little fru fru when I say it like that, but I get the idea...it's all about ego and power and the journey we go on when we live too much in at least one of those areas.

Because I am realizing how much of my power I give away. If you were to open my journal right now you would see a page with the words I TAKE BACK MY POWER in huge letters.

I am a pretty easy going person by nature, generally happy to 'go with the flow'...but I am starting to realize that it's not always a good thing to be. That I end up doing and being in situations that I don't really want to be in and unsure of how to get out of it. I also think the universe is putting me into situations where I am just not happy to go with the flow anymore and therefore it's forcing me to ask why and what.

Why am I here and what do I have to do to change it.

Although, I said to someone today that I feel like a little kid who has just had her toy taken away from her....sitting on the floor, kicking and screaming. Because it's not an easy lesson to learn. It's scarey and strange and uncomfortable, and every day I have to remind myself to breath, to pat the small child inside me and tell her that she is safe and that I am not going to put her in situations that are going to harm her...and then I have to be prepared to just walk away. To know that I will find a love, or a place, that is right for me. On the other hand, I have to keep myself 'there' until I know it's the wrong place to be and not just run away from it because it's easier than staying to work it out. Does that make sense?

Lets see what songs come out through all of this huh? I feel a songwriting burst about to happen, the build up in my bones. It's sitting on the edge of my tongue, waiting for me to carve the time out of my life and heartache to let it fall. This cd isn't even out yet and I know I will need to honor the songs on it before I can fully break out the ones to come.

xxM

Thought For The Day

Moments are just moments...
And moments pass....

Do you?

Ever have those moments when you just get scared?

Scared that you're not going to be able to work it all out? Scared that you are going to fail? Scared that you are making the wrong choice? Scared that you are making the right choice? Scared of spiders or hairy crawly things that might walk across you when you sleep? Scared that you won't earn enough money? Scared that you have been following one path for a while, believing that it was the one thing you should be doing with your life and then suddenly because you haven't got all these things worked out, that perhaps you were wrong? Are you ever scared that you are wrong?

Do you ever just wake up in the middle of the night and find your heart thumping in your chest and your hands a little sweaty? Scared that someone is going to break your heart? Scared that things are just unclear or uncertain or uncomfortable? Are you ever scared of transition, of transformation of transmogrification? Are you ever scared that you don't know what that means?

Are you ever 'just' scared?

And when you are, what do you do?

The first....

This is my little mate, Oliver's, first little league baseball (t ball) game.....oh, and mine. We are bonding over it...they are so damn cute running around the field not always fully sure which direction to run in. Glad to see its not just me.

Although, it was a little confusing for me when everyone on the field turned and faced towards the bleechers, where I was standing by myself at the time, hands on their hearts. I realised that they were pledging allegiance to the flag directly behind my head. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Xxm