Snow!

So, even though I am very happy to not be spending the next 3-4months in this, I was rather excited to wake up this morning and see the snow falling....from the comfort of my warm and yummy bed of course. I think that's the best snow in the world....the kind you experience from bed.

We are driving back up to Chicago right now to meet a crew of friends at my favourite Irish pub, the Irish Times.

The first weekend I arrived in Chicago in March, I met mates at this pub (some of whom are coming tonight too), in this weather, to eat and drink and be merry together. Now I meet them, and other new great mates, on my last weekend here in Chicago. Its been a strange circle and a number of these people have been here at various points to witness it. All I need now is Tory from Michigan and Julie and Kimberley from San Fran and Deb, Jem & Jane from Australia and all the people who have intimately witnessed my journey over the last 8 months would be all together to celebrate with me.

I have a lot to celebrate.

My sweet love sits beside me as we drive. Her hand touching mine. She is as excited to meet them as they are to meet her....and for some reason it makes me feel so proud to know that they already love her, as she loves them. Its a great sign, I believe, when the people you love and who love you...love the person you are loving.

Anyway, I am pondering all this as we drive. My moment in the snow before I head back to CA on Tuesday.

Happy Sunday mates!

Xxm

The state...of 'things

Sitting here in Fishers, Indiana at Tylers estate sale. Its always interesting to witness peoples process around the after death time. Sorting out belongings, trying to guess meanings of things that are left behind.

I have been through this a few times before and yet I still have moments where I realize again, that we can't take any of this with us. All of us will have our belongings put out for other people to fight over and sort through and finally be offered a buck for...then it goes to the next pair of hands and the same thing happens again. So much time and energy is wasted getting the 'things'. No one gives a shit how much things are worth, or how much time and sweat went into getting these things....all they care about is how much change out of a dollar. Our essence isn't carried in or by these things.

Anyway, I hate estate sales...I like going to them, but I hate running them or being involved in them. Its just all 'stuff' that passes from one set of hands to the next.

Xxm

Ps....it almost snowed today...it was pretty exciting

The View From Here..

You can't fully see the clouds.....but the sky in Indiana was beautiful tonight.

We have Tyler's estate sale on all weekend...crazy to watch people barter down from $1 to 50 cents for something that has far more meaning to the person selling it, than it does to the person buying it.

Back to the clouds..

xxm

Thankfulness

Its thanksgiving today here in the USA and we are down in Indianapolis with D's family to celebrate and be together. Its a tough thanksgiving,given that its the first holiday without Tyler. This was actually meant to be the first official time Tyler and I met in person. We had planned thanksgiving down here about 8 weeks ago....I still remember d asking me to come down here with her, in a nervous 'first' kinda way.

We are sitting out the back in the cold...you know, that cold that makes all your bits wake up and quiver. Playing music and having moments of great sadness. I look at my love and see the deep sadness in her eyes and it makes my heart ache. To try to take this away from her...not my place, but its what I wish sometimes.

I sit and think on the things I am thankful about and then I took this photo. Literally a second later, I took another and the sun rays you see in this shot, were gone. She looked up and said 'hi Ty'.... Makes me weep just thinking about it...

I am thankful for her. For her love, for the beauty, the inspiration, the way my heart has been healed and moved...and for the fun, the immense laughter we share and even the heart ache that has come from being this close to tylers passing this past month.

Every day, I am thankful.

And I am thankful for you sweet readers....for the love and encouragement you send and have sent my way this year. I remember distinctly where I was this time last year....and I am grateful, even more so, for now.

Xxm

How is this so?

I heard 6 months ago from a big dude at Exxon that fuel would come back down to what it was around election time. It annoys the shit out of me that they know that, that they plan that, that they continue to make a bazillion dollars out of all of us in between times. This is how expensive fuel was when I first started touring the Midwest, what, 4 years ago?

Grateful in a, 'you bastards could have done this a long time ago', kinda way.

Xxm

On the way

This is the view driving down 65 south to Indianapolis for Thanksgiving. Picked up my girl from the airport in Chicago, wrapped up snuggly in the mustang with a big smile on my face.

And I am thankful...

xxm

And now for something...

Completely different....

I just started a new group on facebook (I also have a music page there should you be interested in joining that group). This group is called 'I HATE Pikes Place Coffee'.....it's the standard coffee that Starbucks is now brewing and it's shit. Everyone I know hates it...so...I started this to try to get them to listen and am aiming for a bazillion members!! lol...

Join here (requires a facebook account)....

Picture to come momentarily...

xxM

New Poetry Book Available Online

The New Poetry Book is Now Available Online!

Many thanks for all your support of the new poems, all the great feedback and encouragement. They are finally available for purchase online for only $8 plus $2usd shipping and handling - orders outside the US, please add $4 for s&h.

Each book is handmade, signed and numbered and contains a selection of 18 poems including: you bring out the FUCK YOU in me, only a lover, kingdom of half truths, grace, the bystander, oscar winning heart, ode to the shi fli mo, glimmer (not previously published online) and others!

Pay for you booklet through paypal....we love them

El Tour de Tucson

This is my mate and riding buddy, KC....we have ridden a lot of miles together over this past year...miles which kept us both going and moving forward in the midst of hard times. She JUST finished the 109 miles in the Tour de Tucson and we are all totally proud of her...I want to do the ride with her next year.

She also put Tyler's name on her jersey...which made us all cry...here it is:

Inspiring mate - we are all proud of you!

xxM

New Competition!!

Add your name to the mailing list in the next 4 weeks and you could win one of 3 cd prize packages. Includes Undone tshirt, cd and postcards! Simply enter your email address below. 3 winners will be randomly selected by xmas! Other specials and fun things to be announced in the coming weeks!!

This WILL make you cry...

Keith Olberman Speaks Out On Prop 8 - and asks supporters of prop 8 how they can reconcile their actions and beliefs. Stop Prop 8 - www.jointheimpact.com

It's a pretty amazing monologue against an unfair, unjust and just damn wrong proposition.

xxm

Okay....

So, it will be more like 'see you later on, like in a few months'....to the Midwest....not so much a final 'bye'.

Unless of course there is snow....and then its bye bye....double even.

Xxm

Scrabble....

My mates Paulie and Angie sent this photo from Indianapolis...they were playing scrabble and this really was one of their words...and they thought of me. Ahh....tis good to be thought of.

I am getting ready to head to the airport again this morning. Flying into Chicago for a show and to pack up my stuff, move my furniture, hang out with my good mates and then meet my girl to drive to Indiana for thanksgiving. I am so over flying. My body is tired from it. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for the performance opportunities and the love opportunities I have had at the end of those flights...but I am done for a little while. I have two more flights for the year and then I get to stay close to home until my next tour back to the Midwest in March. Most of my tours between now and then are drive tours....around this area, which also means D can come with me.

I am excited about this next phase in my life...seeing where it leads, what it presents. The possibilities, personally and professionally, to develop and grow and have adventures excites me. I have good mates over this way, people that I call family, and in a city that's renowned for isolation...I feel fortunate that making friends is something that I can do and like doing. And of course, I have my sweet love...who is a gift to me in so many ways and who I am thrilled to explore life with.

But I am also sad to be saying bye to my mates in the Midwest that I saw regularly....even the ones that I would just see more often than I use to. I am also a little sad to be leaving the Midwest actually. I have bonded with that area over this past year and know that the sadness I feel is my moment of grieving it (of course, ask me about that again tonight when I land in Chicago and freeze my ass off...or can't go out for my bike ride because it's too cold). If we believe everything happens for a reason (the jury is still a little out for me on that one...about 5% of the jury, the other 95% believes it)..then the past 9 months of my life in the Midwest was a pivotal time in my growth and I am sure I still don't understand how that time will effect me in years to come.

Aside from the part of the story where I had my heart ripped out and jumped on, I have had some fun fun times, met some amazing people, deepened friendships with people there that will continue on, played some great shows, ridden a lot of miles, written some good (and scathingly good) poems and songs, seen more of the country, gardened, gotten to know myself better and am grateful for all of that. Especially because I do believe, 100%, that it is because of all of that...that I am even here, in this place, right here, right now....in my life. I thank everyone of those folks out that way that I call friend...you know who you are. I love ya's.

And now...LAX is calling me. Two more flights...that's it Mardi...just two more....you can do it.

xxM

Somewhere....Out There

Every day, anywhere from 2-6 hours a day it seems, there is someone living in one of these buildings (which is right behind our house in Burbank) who practices violin. Sometimes the same piece a few times over, sometimes I can recognize the tunes from one day to the next. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and the mystery violin player is already playing...sometimes I will be doing something through my day and just stop and realize that he/she is playing again. Sometimes it's fast, sometimes its slow and mournful, sometimes it's happy and cheerful.

But, it's the most beautiful violin playing you have ever heard.

Most times, I have to stop myself from going window to window to see if I can find who it is and stand below their window and clap...feeling like I am somehow privy to the most beautiful performance ever in the whole world.

I have found my heart touched by the playing...my self inspired by the level of dedication to their art...mostly I have found myself breathing a sigh of relief for a moment...aware of beauty and peace and light and love.

Wherever you are, mystery violin player, thank you...

xxM

The Rise Of the Phoenix

Here is the tattoo that Dionne got whilst in Indianapolis last week (sorry, I said I was going to post it that day and got caught up in the day...thanks for the reminder!!). It's a phoenix and is one that she was going to get before Tyler's passing as it carried significance for her...it carries even more now.

I am sure you know, but the wikipedia says this about the Phoenix : "near the end of it's life, the phoenix builds itself a nest of cinnamon twigs that it then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again." It's often been used as a symbol of rebirth, of being reborn through adversity, through fire.

I re-met Dionne pretty much 12 months ago this month (we first met 3 years prior). Our meeting and friendship developed through a series of events that were as painful for me, as they were for her 18 months earlier. Events that we both wished never happened..that we both wished could be erased from us and our lives forever. Events that astounded and amazed both of us in a 'how the hell' kinda way. But they were also events that we found a bond, a sisterhood, a friendship, a healing in. I think falling in love with each other was as much a surprise to her, as it was to me. But what a sweet sweet, wonderful surprise.

I have witnessed her transition over the past 12 months, as I have witnessed my own, and can tell you that the person I know now is not the person I met 12 months ago. She has indeed risen up through the ashes of the fire she created, and that was created, to be re-born as the person she wanted to be...as the person she knew she could be. Passionate, thoughtful, motivated, funny as all, excited about her future, trustworthy, honest, conscious, creative, positive, present, up for any adventure, feels deeply, thinks intently, loves wonderfully....

Oh, I know...I know......I am biased......

I wake up every morning.....look at her....and smile.

This past month has taken that re-birth to a whole new depth in so many ways. And all I can say, is that I am incredibly proud of her. I feel incredibly fortunate to be the one to stand next to her, with her, through it all. I am blessed to love and be loved by her.

So...here is her phoenix. The mark she uses to signify that journey for herself, in the same breath as honoring her wonderful brother and who he was to her.

xxm

The World Is On Fire....

This is the view from the plane flying into LA today. I heard a report that 100 homes have been lost and I am sure those numbers will go higher. The sky down here on the ground is dark and shadowy...

We went from 30 degrees in Indiana to 80 degrees in Arizona to 90 degrees here in LA. The closer I got, the more clothes I took off. Had a fun night in indy last night....started with greek food and ended with good mates and my girl on the dance floor letting off some steam...big lovie shout outs to Paulie and Angie who took us into their home with wide opened hearts and become great mates along the way.

xxm

part 3

part 2

part 1

Tattoo loving in Indy

Sitting in Metamophisis, a tattoo studio in Broad Ripple Indy while Matt tattoos my girl. I am try to work out where my next tattoo will start. I am going to do a sleeve but think I like this better.....what you think?

Damn there are some scarey things in this book....I am going to send other photos so you can see while I wait to show you what she is getting.

xxm

new age?

still cant work out what they call 'new age beverages'.........

Cogito Ergo Periculosus

Cogito Ergo Periculosus = I think, therefore I am dangerous

I have always thought that phrase should be changed to 'over think'....I recently saw that phrase again, on Ty's myspace page to be exact, and it reminded me about our (my) ability to 'over think'.

That's always when I get into trouble.

When I have pulled something apart in my brain to the point that there are no more parts to 'pull apart' and still, I don't get it. I think sometimes that there are somethings we can't get...we just can't..and we aren't meant to.

I hate that.....

I feel like my year has been full of it...up till now it mostly started with, 'why the hell would someone DO that'...or 'why would someone actually CHOOSE to BE that way'.....now it's just 'why did that happen'. And like the former question, there may never be an answer...and somewhere along the way, acceptance of the inability to answer the question has to come. OR IT WILL DRIVE ME CRAZY...and you know, the world don't need anymore crazy singer/songwriters.

I laid in bed this morning and talked to my mate Tory up in Michigan. We were talking about love and the falling in....the beauty of that......the gratefulness for honesty after experiencing lying nastiness so painfully.....the rightness and knowingness, the beauty of real love when it comes.......the sweetness of it and the women we love and have fallen in love with. I was telling her about how this year I have had to learn to not try to beat the answers out so much...to have the faith that they will come at the right time..to continue to be active and to use my brain and my abilities to keep moving forward, but to find a deeper sense of trust and faith that the universe will provide, will present and will take care. It's been a fucking hard lesson sometimes and she has most definitely witnessed my process around that many times (so I wasn't telling her anything she probably didn't already know...sure it was more about me just saying it out loud and hearing my own process around it...know how that happens?).

Anyway...I think what I am realizing is that thinking is good..it's great...it's awesome...it's an amazing ability that we have.

But so is having faith...and trust.

And choosing to not over think but to allow the former words to be balanced by the later....to not let past experiences with fucked up ones destroy our desire to grow and to continue to practice all three (thinking...having faith...and trusting) because if we do allow those things to stop because of those experiences...then we give those people so much power and so much of who we are and our potential experience in the world, that they just don't deserve.

AND even worse....if we become that closed, that wounded, that cynical about it all, we miss out on amazing opportunities in this life. Opportunities to experience real love and real faith and real trust and real beauty and real honesty, and even grief and heartbreak and healing on so many levels.

My year has changed me in those ways and I am grateful.

These are my Thursday morning thoughts in chilly Indiana...and I press send before I over think it all....(haha, so I still have some learning to do in that department too).

xxM

defiling or appreciating?

defiling artwork in indy. Yes, I know....but after a while you just gotta cut loose a little and she was there.

The Indy glbt film festival is on this weekend.....feeling like I am becoming a local. But I do believe it is time for a night out on the town.

I know, boring blog post today....my brain is a little fried right now and we are heading out to broad ripple for food and tattoos.....seems like significant time for my sweet love to get a new one to mark this moment and honor her little bro...so, off we go.

xxm

i know.....

Cold night here in Indy after an evening of beautiful words and warmth. Its still completely surreal and we hang onto the things we know.

Right now, this is what I know for sure

xxm

saturday night.....do do do dah do dah

Dionne and I spent the last two days compiling photos of Tyler to make a collage of his life for the Celebration. It was tough to make in some ways....we cried, we laughed, we drank wine and we marveled at the adventures and people that made up just a part of his life. A shit load of people fly in from all over the country and Canada to be here for monday nights celebration of life. This is a partial pic of what we made. I also put together photos for a dvd that will be played before the service...photos of him as a kid, with my sweet love by his side.

Tonight I sat with D and Tylers two step sisters, Mindy and Jill, and listened to them tell beautiful stories about the Tyler they remembered and the important role he played in their lives. It felt like such an honor to witness him through their eyes. The world really has lost a special special man and I don't for one minute, understand it.

Monday is going to be a spectacular evening of wonderful people with great stories to tell, which will most likely be heart breaking as well. I don't know if any sense will ever be made of this....how does one reconcile it? It has been an honor to witness his life and the way he has touched so many people. I think I have cried enough tears this year to keep me going a lifetime.

xxm

Celebration of Life

Tyler's 'Celebration of Life' will be at St. Christopher's Episcopal Church, 1402 W. Main St, Carmel, Indiana 46032 on Monday, November 10, at 6:00pm. We will have a reception at the same location immediately following the service.

In lieu of flowers, please make a donation to Habitat for Humanity in Tyler's name.

Tyler

Tyler Fulton Ward passed away at 2.11am this morning. Surrounded my his family and friends, expressing love and gratitude to him and the universe along the way. This never should have happened and the fact that it did, is still impossible to reconcile.

Life is short my friends. Take this as an opportunity to realise that and live the life you have always wanted and dreamed of.

Thank you for all your prayers, thoughts, love and shout outs. None of them went unnoticed.

Xxm

The News.....

This post is from Dionne, from the blog set up to keep people updated on Tyler's condition. I asked her if I could put it here because it's beautiful and because I want to honor him and her and them by placing it here.

Thanks for your continued thoughts, prayers and love mate. She gets them all and appreciates them.

xxM

---

Here I stand, my shadow cast upon the brilliance of this red foliage. I spotted it as we were driving back from the hospital and it reminded me of the brilliance of Tyler. Not only his intellect, but his personality, his sense of humor, his kindness, his love...I could go on and on about the brilliance of him. He has touched many lives. It has been a blessing to have him as a brother and a best friend. I am only a shadow of myself today, knowing that I have to say goodbye to him...

We were told today by the neurosurgeon, as we looked at the latest MRI pictures, that there is no hope of recovery for Tyler. He will not wake up and be himself ever again. If we keep him alive with machines and tubes, he will have no quality of life and we know he doesn't want that. Tonight at midnight we will watch as the doctors and nurses remove the artificial life support and then we will hold his hands and wait. We will let him know he is loved, he will be missed forever, and that it's ok for him to go.

I love you, Tyler Fulton Ward. We all do and you will be with us, in our hearts, forever.

Do ya

Think Obama cried when he found out he won?

We are sitting here at the airport. Its 9.15pm and we are flying through the night to get to Indianapolis. Its a bitter sweet moment. Knowing that Ty would have been stoked to hear the news, Dionne text someone at the hospital and asked them to go in and tell him that he won. Not sure if he will even hear the news, but you know, you gotta have faith that he will hear it.

Ty isn't expected to make it through the night. And this is a bitter sweet fucked up moment as friends and family fly in from around the world to be with him. This is so wrong, in so many ways, and no one has any answers as to why.

Thanks for your continued thoughts mates. Your support and words of love for the woman I adore, are appreciated and wonderful.

Xxm

One piece

Of good news today, when there is so much bad news.....

Obama wins.

Ty would be so happy.

Xxm
Who is still waiting to hear about prop 8

This blog post is a tough one. I wasn't sure whether I should post anything just yet but I know a number of you have been sending thoughts and prayers for my sweethearts brother, Tyler.

Tyler had a massive stroke sometime in the last few days that we are told, has left him in a vegetative state. Both frontal lobes were severly damaged and it seems irrepairable. The family is waiting for the neurosurgeon to meet with them again today to let them know the latest news of tests but he is calling it a permanent state at this time.

How does one even process information like this? So many questions that all start with 'why'?

Many thanks for your continued prayers and thoughts at this time. They are gratefully received.

Life is precious my friends. Don't waste a moment of it. Be your truest, most passionate, exposed selves.

Xxm

Today

Is the day....

Election day.

The day you get to have a say in the future of the USA. The day you get to take the past 8 years of hurting, complaining and torture.....and actually DO something about it. The day YOU get to stand up for what you believe by making a few marks on a ballot paper.

Can you tell I wish I could vote? Can you tell I will be watching CNN all day as the votes start to come in. To witness this event. That damn prop 8 bill better not pass....60 million dollars spent on something that is nothing more than discrimination. If it does pass, Canada is looking nice (and seeing as my girl can get Canadian citizenship and they would ACTUALLY recognize us....). Stupid fucking bill....anyway.

My friend Adrienne called me at 6.45am to tell me about her voting experience (she baked cookies for the polling booth staff)......and to sing me the 'Obama....Obama....you're my guy' song I randomly wrote at a show a few weeks back.

I want to hear what it was like.....your voting experience. Did it feel good? Did it feel nothing?

Were you empowered?

Xxm

More on the T front...

This is Tyler. I wanted you to see him so that when you were sending thoughts out his way, you knew what he looked like.

Today news was the first day I found myself getting angry....I know people who do really shitty things, and seemingly get away with it time and time again. This is a good guy. A kind, thoughtful man. A man with a quick wit and a sharp mind with a passion for righting injustice. And he can't seem to catch a break. I don't get why that happens and I am sure if I had the answer to it and could bottle it, I'd be a rich woman. But I don't. And I, like everyone else in this picture, continues to hope and to find a sense of understanding around why these things are happening..and hold onto my faith. His life will be changed forever because of this, and who the hell knows the reason why at this point. I know there is a reason. I know and believe it. I can't wait to see what he does in this world.

But right now, just for this moment, I am pissed.

xxM

T update moment...

You're continued good thoughts are requested. Tyler had a stroke in the last 24 hours. They don't know the extent of the damage yet and will know more in the next day after they run tests. Obviously it feels like a pretty big blow, in the midst of other seemingly hard blows, but he is strong and his will to beat this will continue to prevail.

Your thoughts and love across the universe are welcomed, and gratefully received.

And now, its off to work.....photos from the house concert today forthcoming.

Xxm

My first....

My first ever halloween dress up party....whats missing in this photo is my ugly vampire teeth. I had a whole story around my outfit....you know, nun trying to save the vampire only to be sucked in by the vampires charm and relinquishing her neck to the one that she loved rather than risk a lifetime without her. Not too many people wanted to hang around to hear it...but I had a fun time playing it out.

And, there USE to be a lot more 'yes on 8' signs in the hood where the party was had. Ohh so sad, too bad.

xxm

More from Halloween Central....

Oliver and Me (Oliver is wearing my teeth). I have known Ollie since the moment he was born and he is one of my favourite little kids.


Me and one of my best mates Adrienne...and that's Justine's head in the background, it was her party (she is another Aussie and knows how to throw a bloody great party...and she is also a chef...which you know means AMAZING food...)