Me and my shadow

Its a hazy day back here in Chicago land and sometimes I am struck by the height of my own shadow (and the bigness of my hair). I tend to walk a lot these days and often find myself wondering what it would be like to be 'that' tall and I try on the whole 'standing 6 foot tall on the inside thing', just to see how it feels.

I was talking online last night to my sister, who still isn't sure about the status of her cancer find, we were talking about the fact that we have both undergone huge life and love changes in the last 6 months and how parts of that has just SUCKED big time and how confusing people and all their fucked up ways can be. And she said something to me that my family and close friends around me have said to me all my life. She said 'you're strong, one of the strongest people I know, and you can get thru anything. I never worry about you in that way.'

I realized that sometimes, I don't feel strong. I don't feel like I am going to pull through something. I don't know how or when or if something is going to happen when I need it to. Sometimes I can barely move or breathe from fear or worry or hurt. Sometimes my faith in my path and my choices wavers and I get scared. Sometimes my heart hurts so fucking bad that I just want to curl up and sleep and cry for days. Sometimes I have no faith at all. Sometimes I don't trust...life, people or me. Sometimes I just want someone to pat my forehead and tell me its going to be okay. Sometimes I want someone else to tell me what to do....where to find shows this month, how to ask for what I need financially, tell me what car I should buy, apply for my green card for me so I can supplement with other work, tell me how not to be heart broken anymore. And sometimes, I am just not sure if I can do it anymore.

And then, it passes.

I move again. I sing, I play guitar. I remember my creative. I feel connected to my spirit and to the world and to you. I write. I start applying for festivals and gigs and sending my cd out to radio and magazines again. I exercise. I find people who make me laugh and who bring light and love to my heart and me to there's. I volunteer. I practise. I reach out and tell someone that I love them, that I am here for them. I listen to their story intently, asking questions sometimes and not others. I cry for them, instead of just myself. I sit in nature and just listen. I open myself up to thought of falling in love again and I approach each new person I meet with honesty and with me, in all my glory. I try not to judge as much (me or anything else). I turn good music up really loud and dance. I try to meditate. I read a good book about someone else's journey. I make some good food for my friends and for me and we eat together. I organise fun get togethers for my mates and I reach out just a little more. I shower. I smile. I say thank you to no one in particular. And I literally take the huge foot out of my own ass and put it on the end of my leg again.

And then eventually I find myself breathing easier and I find myself excited about my journey again, and grateful, I find myself unbelievably grateful. I find myself laughing the way I use to. I find my heart is more compassionate, my senses more awake. I realize I am conscious and aware and reporting for duty at each new turn and then, occasionally, I even feel proud of myself.

And then the next moment....well, who knows what will happen, but it will surely be different to the last one.

Then, I look at my shadow, and smile.....because I know I really am that tall inside.

Xxm

Oh ps....my reference in the Helen Keller quote to her being 'dumb', to clarify, that's the british/australian term for 'mute', not stupid!!