Well, there's one good thing about the on/off of this crazy weather, and that is that it causes things to grow fast. Infact, there are already flowers on the tomatoes. It makes me happy to watch the progress.
I was smiling at the garden yesterday and realised that I was looking on it in the same way I was feeling on myself. In that I have felt myself go through huge growth and change in the last 6 months, most of that growth was due to painfilled experiences that I hope never to repeat, but I get that sometimes growth can only happen through pain. That seasons come in and out through all of our lives to help us become the people we want to be. And that we are only ever responsible for ourselves and can't change or save or cause anyone else but ourselves to grow. I can see my own growth, I have witnessed it and know it to be true.
But you know, just when I think I am over the hump of it all though, I find myself faced with feelings of loss and anger and betrayal again. Wondering when I will get through a whole day without thinking about it or feeling it. I know I told the universe that I want to heal from this properly, to not perpetuate the emotional & physical dishonesty that was vomitted all over me by someone who hadn't done the work, to be clear about what is mine to own and what isn't, to move through this with grace if I can but always with honesty....but FUCK!!
Enough already!!
My head knows this situation doesn't deserve anymore of my energy or my love or my power. I have taken measures to protect myself from anymore pain from said person. My head also knows that there are greater issues here than just this, that it triggered stuff from long ago that I am being given the opportunity to deal with. I have exposed me and my process to people who love me and kick my ass and help me work out what is mine and isn't. I have tried to lay it all out on the line so no stone is unturned in the healing process . But jeebus, when will my heart and my ego just get it and just let it go and be healed already. I am tired of it in a 'regret every second because the fall out wasn't worth the few moments of bliss' kinda way. I am just ready for it to be purged from my being. I KNOW that this is showing me that there are still things for me to work out, things to handle better, places to shine light on, feelings to learn how to look after and sometimes it's just my kid kicking up a storm. I am ready to be done now though...just ready.
Maybe I need to find a sweat lodge....until then, I am going to get back to my bike ride, hoping to sweat it out this way.
Ahh, what a pretty garden, no?
Xxm
ps...problems with blogger preventing posting yesterday...doah
4 comments:
You wrote: "But jeebus, when will my heart get it and just let it go and be healed already."
Wow....I have thought this so often about my own journey.
Here's a little practice that has helped me:
Draw 2 circles, side-by-side....like, um, boobs or eyeballs. (no dots in the middle, though, or circles with dots....just 2 circles big enough to write in) Above the circle on the left, write..."what happened". Above the circle on the right, write..."what I made it mean."
So, here's the thing: it's kind of along the lines of the Buddhist truth that says that "pain is inevitable"...and we "suffer" when we cling to the pain.
In that same way, shit happens (left circle). It's bound to. And shit causes pain. OK. We suffer and feel miserable when we cling to the story (right circle) and meanings we attach to the shit that happens (left circle). Whenever we're "stuck", it's likely because we're clinging to our stories.
Whenever I'm feeling like you describe....I draw myself a couple of circles. I have made this a habit.
Know what????
The stuff in the circle on the left changes.... different shit. The stories and meanings in the right circle, ALL THE SAME. (or LOTS of overlap!!!!) It's AMAZING. And, at least for me, I tend to agree with you that it all stirs up stuff that happened so long ago with us, that we didn't deal with (for lots of very good reasons)...that stuff resonates and comes forth.
Here's what I THINK is supposed to happen - although I'm no where close to "there" yet...this is just a theory:
We need to work on resolving "the story" in the right-side circle in order to learn, heal, and move on...and get to have different stuff in the right circle. Else, we are destined to keep having the same story and feeling show up in the right-side circle. Trouble is, letting go of "the story" is sometimes risky....and scary....and takes a lot of undoing, because we've carried them so long that they seem like our truth. When really, what's "truth" is what happened in the left circle. The stuff in the right circle is stuff we made up.
Wow. Ok - so this was gonna be just a quick response to say "I so get what you mean!"; and it has turned into an existential tome. Give the two circle model a try....
see you real soon....
am
Choices mate, choices.....and just being ready is the first in a long line of choices. And choices mean empowerment and hope!
Now mate you need to start mentally preparing for my visit! I'll be there before you know it!
It is a pretty garden!... cocoa mulch, water and sun....my new diet. Note to self: ingest the seed of change.
Head up, and look towards the National Women's Music Festival, it is seems always good energy there when I have gone. Plus it is in my favorite city in Wisconsin, Madison. Go Check out a Room of One's Own on State Street, a really lovely feminist bookstore.
Summer is here and the plants in my garden also bring me great joy too. To me it always feels a bit like a chance for a new start, with the flowers and the fruit so colorful. It is so easy to be pleased with the world when a garden is near by.
Great show in Saturday, even with the crazy weather it was a great Pridefest in Milwaukee. I was stuck in the arts and history building with a group of fabulous people. It felt like a blessing to have the settled time with them. I even bumped into a person I went to High School with, small world I suppose.
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