[addendum to post....so, I mentioned that I wasn't sure if this post would see 24 hours due to the possible TMI factor...but your comments were so good, and I appreciate the time they took to write, so I wanted to keep something up here to honor them....umm, so here goes]
So.....I have this 'friend'....she recently fell in love with someone who told her it was safe one second and then recanted the next, and then said something different the next..and, well, you get it. It didn't work out so well at all, lots of back and forth, lots of words, not sure which bits are true anymore, seems a big ole huge lot of it wasn't.
My 'friend' is moving along and away from it pretty good, although there are definately some moments.
Seems my 'friend' keeps getting given new bits of information about the situation from people...me personally, I am not sure if it's a good or a bad thing getting 'said' bits of information...makes the situation much uglier and nastier and liar-ier than my 'friend' even thought it was. But, I digress.
My 'friend' kicks herself often....feels icky, a little dumb and confused. 'Friend' is realizing more and more that she is a little naive, and that this half or no truth stuff isn't actually an isolated incident in the world of the person my 'friend' fell in love with. And whilst trying to own her part in the experience, grow and learn and all that self improvement kind of stuff, my 'friend' is having a bit of trouble working out what to do with all 'said' new pieces of information.
Latest revelation passed onto said 'friend' is that 'said' person that said 'friend' fell for, 'said' they broke up with ex (twice) but turns out that perhaps 'said' person hadn't really done so all along....that both my 'friend' and said 'ex' were kept in the dark..or in the pocket, or just fucked around with all the way along. Even though 'said' person 'said' all the right things about not wanting 'said' ex and her 'said' energy, in her life ever again and falling in love with said 'friend' and blah..blah..blah. (sorry to said 'friend'...no disrespect intended by the blah blah bit). Oh, and 'said' ex and and 'said' person, are now living together... just two months after final impact.
Sooo....if you were me, what would you tell said 'friend' in an effort to help her move through this as gracefully and with as few hangovers as possible (umm....not the drunk kind, but the 'after effects of finding out new yucky pieces of information' kind)? Coz, this is a totally fucked up situation and possibly some of us have been there before and how does one remain sweet and not just FUCKING ANGRY in a 'I HATE YOU, WISH YOU'D NEVER HAPPENED' kind of way?
Xxm
Who knows nothing it seems....
(and who just realized that this post is actually longer than the last....damn!!)
12 comments:
mate i reckon you do exactly what you are doing.....nothing like a massive dose of the truth to send out a great big fuck you!!! Its all kinds of catharitic for you and the most important person is you, you remained true to yourself and the amazing person that you are, and unfortunately some arseholes out there take advantage of that!!!
.....bit of aussie straight talking for ya
love ya
miss ya
see you soon, plane ticket booked!!
I have been in a similar situation before and it's tough to let it go and move ahead. In the end though, you have to do it for yourself. That is easier said than done, I know. You are surrounded by beautiful people who love you and support you. You will move through this Mardi and yes, your skin will be a little thicker for it. Also, knowing this information helps you answer ANY question of allowing that person ANYWHERE near you again.
Oneday at a time my sweet friend, actually..one moment at a time.
lw
MARDI
fuck the more i hear of this story the more shocked i am at the audacity of some people. there is a few choice words i would like to say to this person but alas me thinks its probably not appropriate so i will say it in munmbo jumbo, fnnnasmckmsmmsnaklbbimjstvbhuchmkjsoegetmkisjhyounhrkhheahidbjnkrenkjad.. now thats off my chest.
i think you are a person that sees the good in people untill somebody proves otherwise. With you working away it was very easy for that person to take advantage of the situation and decieve you, to take what they could and go on with the lie. Mardi i dnt know how i would recover from that, to trust, to open myself up to somebody. But look at it this way, this person is sick, she lives with her own lies, damaging the people that open up to her, she is skilled at decievibg people as it is part of her being, its how she survives, she blames others for not being how she needs them to be when realy she cant be how she needs to be. she takes advantage of the good will, kindness and acceptance of others. She needs help.
Fuck i would feel hate right now to, but hey look at your arm "this too will pass". We need the hate to get us through.
Being the self aware person you are, you will recover, you will find love and you will learn from this. Try not to punish yourself, be kind and gentle with you as you let others do, and if you feel mad be mad, bash into your pillow, rip up newspaper, scream, yell, swear, throw things etc. Be mad at her not at you.
Have a great tour, knock em dead as you do.
Cheers
Connie MWA xxx
despisement... i like that non word word.
Change is the only thing you can count on! and in order for things to change there are things that we can not understand that create major shifts.
I get to the point at times that i can only trust the sun and the moon. That is it ...oh and maybe my dog.
Yes this happened to me very early in my life and i felt that person took lots of years and time from my life. I have always taken people at face value and actually feel i am incapable of lying so I am shocked when i am deceived. I try to remember that people are doing the best for where they are at .... they may not be where i am at .... but they are where they are at.
It really blows me away that all we have as humans is a limited time to interact together and any one individual who wastes that time by being deceptive and manipulating has a warped sense of any meaningful relationship at any level.
I don't know ... i just work on taking care of me... i am working on the wanting more part of life as well. I say start with a plant, a house plant, one that blooms....just for you... when you get the happy feeling back... then move on to people
..some thoughts..it is gut wrenching to get a wound that cuts your soul so deep...and the further detail comes at a time when you are already so traumatised..i think the disbelief and degree of contempt u feel are like mirrors to the extent of your pain and part of natural emergency protections.for your heart and soul..like the body's automatic responses to physical trauma .they are all designed to help us survive..and you may move among them and return to them and how much you need them changes until you need them less cos your heart and soul and spirit are healing..and you have different (hopefully healthy) ways to move thru your journey and live your dreams..thinkin of ya M
I have read your posts for a few months now and I know you are a caring person. I know you have a desire to be open and free with your thoughts and feelings. However, boundaries are good - they keep you safe. Life is the delicate balance between too many boundaries, creating isolation, and not enough, creating painful situations. On your road you found a “pothole” in this last relationship, see if you can find a way around it next time. I have found in my "potholes," my behavior has some part in it. I constantly remind myself that no individual can change the behavior of others, but we can change our own. How can you avoid this pothole again?
You have good reason to feel angry, but not everyone is like "her," you will heal and then, when you are not looking, love will find you again. I hated this statement when my friends told me this, but they were right. My beloved found me and a love will find you too. In the mean time make art, surround yourself with kind friends and if you have the opprotunity work with a person or people very different from you. Volunteer with inner city youth (maybe teaching music a couple hours a week this summer), a homeless shelter, a domestic violence shelter or some other good will offering to the world. It will make the world seem bigger then the “pothole,” you just came out of and you are sure to make some friends. I always think a little good will come back multiplied.
Good luck, and may you be well.
move move move, just move away. Tell your 'friend' to leave the whole situation in the past, chalk it up to experience, to knowing when to get our earlier next time (or not in at all). Be as kind to 'herself' as possible. Hang up the phone, walk away from people who want to so kindly pass such information along. None of it helps,even though they are probably thinking they are doing her a favor.
Keep writing. Our world is actually quite a small place, we are all united under shared experiences.
my two cents
Mary
(from Iowa)
i agree with what everyone here as said too. And know we can only take information we are given at face value, what is being presented to us from people. When you find out that information isn't true, it's often a shock and takes a while to get over..and to trust again. I fell sadder for the person who does it, because it shows a wound that is deeper than we can ever know and a disrespect for alll the good things about love and falling in love. Intuition is a powerful tool and learning to trust that and listen to it...is a lesson that sometimes only comes through pain.
Because we won't stick our hands on that hotplate again.
Martine, I am sure there are big lessons that have come from this or WILL come from this. Even if you don't see them right away (I know, I hate it when people say that to me too). Your poems are amazing and I know the songs will be too.
You will get through this.
Cheryl
Dear Martine,
After reading the revised post I have more to add . . . under every angry feeling is a great sorrow. Anger is a reaction to a sense of powerlessness at least in my experience, and in most cases we choose our powerlessness. We cannot control anything but ourselves, but we can control how we respond or react to a situation. Work towards choice and away from victim-hood. We create the meaning and essence of our lives.
You sing about freedom in your songs, but true freedom is in personal responsibility, for oneself, including one’s feelings. Suffering is part of our collective human condition; it is a part of life. We can choose to sit in it or move forward. Choosing to walk away as to not stumble upon it again or to respond in a more constructive way. I highly recommend reading Nietzsche, he is a bit of a sexist (most people [men] who published were in the 19th century Germany), but the theory has been life enhancing for me. You may enjoy his work particularly because Nietzsche wrote about the importance of the arts in his work. If he does not interest you I suggest reading about the theory of existentialism. There is an art therapist named Bruce Moon who is still living and he talks a lot about the visual arts and existentialism.
Victim-hood is well trained into us as female people born in a sexist culture and for some it is a trait taught well through abuse and neglect in one's early life. Being a victim is not life enhancing or attractive, and creates a distancing response from many healthy people. It will however attract dysfunction, which is what you encountered. So choose which you prefer, victim-hood or personal responsibility. Examine what satisfaction you get from dwelling on this anger/sadness and then make art about it. Music brings you joy and other’s joy. Perhaps this anger will turn into a great lesson of your life and through your music a great lesson for others. We are all learning together in this collective human expereince. Become what you want to be, you are the truth creator of your story, and I challenge you to make it a life-affirming story, a tail of growth and self-determination. I believe in your ability to create your truth and you should too.
In Sisterhood,
Your Supporter
“Without music, life would be a mistake.”
“Art is the proper task of life.”
Friedrich Nietzsche
Love and appreciate the comments...and I gotta say, I love it just as much when you put your name to them and take credit and responsibility for them!
M
It doesn't matter who I am if you do not remember me. You are free to take my thoughts or not, it is your choice. The posts are left in a kind tone and I hope you read them as they are intended. Script can be hard, tone is often unclear. I understand your blog as a way to find witnesses for your life. You have much to bring to our greater community. I hope you live, love and create well.
In Sisterhood,
Your Supporter
Post a Comment