Sometimes I understand that the only way to get out of something is to continue to take the power back and repeat the words 'I choose' over and over again until my beating heart calms and I can breathe smoothly again.
Usually I have to employ that technique when I wake up first thing in the morning and I am yet again hit with questions like 'how did I not see', 'I fell for it all', 'I'm such a dummy', 'but she told me she loved me', 'why would someone choose to lie so hard and so often' and my favourite 'why would anyone actually want to be that kind of person in the first place'.
I am so fucking tired of those questions and know I just have to realise that there are some questions that can't be answered, some truth that you will never be given and some people in this world who just choose to be that way. I know I am fortunate to get this far in life before realizing that and experiencing that.
I just have a lot of trouble answering the question why someone would want to actually be that way. And yes, I also get that 'analysis is paralysis'...lol (thanks D for the reminder!!)
I hate that I had to learn this lesson with this person, in this way. I hate it. But I did and I have had to. I am annoyed at myself for not listening to my intuition or peoples warnings, that I just wanted to believe in something and someone more than I should have, more than what was actually there. But I did and I have. And I get super frustrated that it is taking me this long to work it out and let go of it. But it is.
And just when I think I have let the questions go, my sneaky brain wakes me up with it again and like a petulant child, it torments me with these questions again. Until I start whispering 'I forgive myself for putting myself in harms way' and 'I choose to let it go' a-fucking-gain. I soothe my aching heart and my weeping child and I try to take my own foot out of my own ass and get up and go into the world a little wiser, with a little more compassion and a lot more honesty. And that gets easier every day, but damn, sometimes.....I oughta.
I continue to make a pact with myself to remain open to the world and to the beautiful people that the universe has always, and will always, bring into my life. Knowing that this is a huge learning moment for me, a chance to rebuild after feeling broken down.
And, you know, but for the grace of god, of spirit, of love, of desire, of want, of choice....there go I.
And one morning, soon....I won't even remember these questions anymore, and what a damn party that will be.
Xxm
4 comments:
one fucking blessed moment at a time, yes? much ease, love, healing, and grace to you in the process! ~Tory
Replace the troubling memory with something positive. Reprogram yourself so you do not continue spinning around and around. You deserve better then to continue through this repetition, it is not taking you were you want to go.
Next time you think of this situation, change your thoughts, think of your niece, your sister or a good friend that loves you; someone who made you think, feel and grow.
Or go and paint a symbol of growth, whatever that symbol might be and think about how it will change as it grows. See the metaphor in the symbol, as an object separate from yourself. You are not changing in your thought process, it is changing apart from you and over time the connections will be more clear.
This woman you obsess about does not love you, she cannot even love herself from what I have gathered from what you have said and she does not deserve your energy. Point your thoughts, your love to those who do deserve your energy. Make something for someone you love and who loves you. Focus on building new friendships and reconnecting to people who love you and cut your thoughts off to this cycle of self-torment.
I know it is easier said then done. I needed a therapist to guide me at first, but you are a strong creative person, you maybe able to do it yourself.
In Sisterly Spirit,
A Supporter
Analysis is Paralysis!!
i must remember that one Deb!
At times i get stuck in what i call futurizing and pasturizing. I must remember to "vivre le moment". Peace Out!
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