july 4th on the 3rd....?

So, this is the view from the balcony I am standing on, the July 4th celebration thingys are setting up right below. But here's the thing....they have the july 4th celebrations here in Allegan, on the 3rd. I think it's because they are on Australian time...but I haven't been able to find a city official to ask them yet. Maybe later.

We have a birdseye view of the events of the day from the safety and comfort of the balcony and sangria is the drink of the evening....I am pretty stoked to be able to sit up here and watch fireworks and do something '4thy'. And of course, the smell of bbq wafting up makes me feel...well, hungry (don't read that bit D).

It's been a morning of playing music and chatting, talking a lot about our 'default' settings as humans. You know, in crisis or trauma, the parts of our person, the pre existing, pre learned traits that we fall back on...usually not always tremendously healthy parts of ourselves that are instilled in us as children for whatever reason. And how do we as adults come to terms with those parts and rather than yelling at them and cursing them, getting to a place where we can acknowledge their existance and move through them with love (towards ourselves). I see the last 8 months of my life as being a catalyst for such major change in my person and I am starting to actually have moments where I am grateful for the opportunity to look at those things that come up, knowing that I want to grow and be a fully conscious, aware, ever growing, moving forward kinda human bean. Fuck sometimes it's exhausting....

Some of the things that have come up for me around anger & guilt and feeling guilty for having anger, has been really fascinating to look at. I realize that all of those emotions and reactions are part of life and part of being human, and I am seeing how much of my church background and my upbringing has stopped me from feeling and expressing anger...even when completely warranted. And then feeling guilty for being angry and being scared about being or expressing anger because people won't like me or will be offended, or that I will hurt someones feelings or that i will somehow just become an angry person..and we all know people like that..and I don't want to become a person like that or react from that place....and blahblahblah. I think in Western society in particular, we are warned about getting angry and taught, especially as women, to not express anger. Rather to keep it inside and not acknowledge it's existance....or take a pill.

As my friend Deb says though, all these things are part of our world and, if we can express them in a conscious way (in word, song, writing etc) and leave it there...not take it away and stew on it over and over again forever and a day, replaying it over and over....then that is true growth. That even enlightened people have felt and expressed anger.

Hmmm..these are things I ponder on as I feel ties from my past fall away from me and for the first time yesterday as I walked through the streets of Allegan after my session, I felt kinda like me again...but different.

xxm